Lucid Culture


How we can avoid another Virginia Tech massacre

Lots of typical inanity in the press in the aftermath of the Virginia Tech killings. It’s obvious how we can avoid this happening in the future, if we just take a look at the killer’s words. He was after two specific groups: lying charlatans and rich kids. In order to keep such a horrific event from ever happening again, we have to protect them by installing global positioning microchips under their skin. That way, we can keep track of them and make sure they’re safe in case another nutjob somehow manages to get loose despite repeated warning signs that college officials and law enforcement repeatedly ignore. But how to identify all these potential targets?

Rich kids are easy. For one, we know who they are. There are two kinds of rich kids: those whose parents keep them on a short leash, and those whose parents keep them on a long leash. The parents of rich kids on a short leash will welcome the opportunity to know where their kids are within a micrometer of their actual whereabouts, so getting their approval will be easy. Rich parents who keep their kids on a long leash will either appreciate the reminder that those kids exist, or they’ve forgotten that they have kids at all and won’t give a damn what we do with them.

 Lying charlatans are more difficult to identify, but we can start with some obvious suspects and develop a pattern from there. The members of what’s left of Journey, who lipsync to a backing track at “live” shows? Everybody in the band gets a chip. The surviving guy from Milli Vanilli? He gets a chip. Clay Aiken? I think he should get two chips. Alec Baldwin, who now purportedly wants out of his sitcom contract so he can concentrate on taking care of the family he cares so much about? You get the picture.

And while we’re at it, we can identify potential killers and keep track of their whereabouts so it doesn’t really matter if their teachers report them to the dean’s office, their classmates report them to the cops, or they’re assigned to some outpatient loony bin yet for some inexplicable reason fail to show up for treatment. People who don’t respond when their classmates try to engage them in conversation? Well, now you don’t have to talk to your fellow students. Talk to your satellite tracking device instead. People who write poetry? Enough said. Hell, everyone who takes English class. Wait a minute – English is mandatory, isn’t it? That solves everything. Why don’t we just put a global positioning chip under EVERYBODY’S skin and within minutes, crime as we know it will cease to exist. Isn’t technology wonderful?

April 27, 2007 - Posted by | Rant


  1. Thank you–the first sensible thing I’ve read about that story.

    This tragedy was like an earthquake. It happened, it’s horriffic and sad, but there is nothing we can learn from it, and nothing that needs to be projected onto it…and yet the news coverage continues.

    Meanwhile the coolest news story of the year (decade?) was relegated to the science section.

    Comment by Paula | April 29, 2007 | Reply

  2. Decade? Quite possibly. Weird how this didn’t make the front page.

    Now we know where all those aliens come from!

    Comment by delarue | April 29, 2007 | Reply

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