Lucid Culture


White House Mulls Deal With News Corp

The LC Wire has learned from a senior administration official that Rupert Murdoch’s company, News Corp., is currently negotiating a deal with the Bush administration for the purchase of the United States. The official stated, “Both the Bush administration and Rupert Murdoch have long shared the belief that a country is most prosperous when run as a corporation and when reflecting on the difficulties this administration has faced in its 6 years, a meeting between Bush and top Cabinet officials concluded this end could best be achieved if the US were actually owned by a corporation.” When asked by the LC Wire whether this would stand up to scrutiny in the courts, the official responded, “Given the favorable rulings the courts have given on Corporate law in recent years, the Administration is confident that such a merger would be upheld, even by the Supreme Court.”

When News Corp was reached for comment, the head spokesman for the company stated, “This is a boon for both the American people and the investors in News Corp.” When queried over concerns about the debt to profitability ratio currently enshrouding the US economy, he continued, “This was an area of concern from the get go. But our top corporate raiders have devised a number of proposals to address both the current debt faced by the US and the stagnant areas of its economy. We have been in negotiations with the five remaining national banks in the US who have agreed to form a conglomerate. With the restructuring of US bankruptcy law in recent years, it will then be possible for this conglomerate to administer a ‘debt prison’ system. Most lower and middle class Americans and their families will fall under their jurisdiction. This will allow us to create a huge pool of slave labor by which we can make American products competitive once again on the international market. Further, as this “debt prison” system will likely reduce the average lifespan of “debt prisoners” below the retirement age it will be possible to eliminate the Social Security and Medicare systems and replace them with a ‘slave bond’ program covering wage earners outside the “debt prison” system. These upstanding citizens will have 15% of their earnings invested each year in “slave bonds” to be administered by the banking conglomerate. Upon maturity these “slave bonds” will insure that upstanding citizens will have enough funds to live a comfortable retirement.” He added, “We are also considering outlawing vagrancy which will bring most of the non-working poor under the jurisdiction of the criminal justice system. This dramatic increase in prisoners will create a large economic sector for the employ of the working poor as prison guards and policemen. It will also serve to continually replenish our military stock which will be integral to defending News Corp’s interests around the globe.”

When the LC Wire inquired as to how these proposals would attain Congressional approval, the spokesman stated, “News Corp has invested a lot of money over the years in Congressional politics. Both the Republican Party and the DLC are now wholly owned subsidiaries of News Corp. We don’t anticipate any problems. In fact Senators Biden and McConnell have already introduced bi-partisan legislation in the Senate to enact some of these proposals in the “America Works Act of 2007”. We expect similar legislation to be introduced in the House shortly.”

Moments after the conversation with the News Corp spokesman, the LC Wire received a short press release from Rupert Murdoch himself stating, “I think the United States can become a very properous division of News Corp. The arms, energy and pharmaceutical sectors are performing remarkably well, and our proposals to shore up the stagnant areas of the US economy are remarkably solid and far-sighted. I’m sure that News Corps investors will see wonderful dividends from this acquisition.”

The White House has scheduled a press briefing tonight presumably outlining the details of the merger.

May 1, 2007 - Posted by | snark


  1. I love you.

    I’m stealing this. 8)

    Comment by ms_xeno | May 1, 2007 | Reply

  2. Thanks Ms X. Steal away. 🙂

    Comment by lucidculture | May 1, 2007 | Reply

  3. Omg, Lucid, that is a superb piece of writing. But it’s scary, it’s so believable! I dare you to send it to Fox News! I would not be surprised if they believed (and approved) it. I could see them all trying to find out how they could invest! Lol! After all, they present an Onion piece as actual news just a few weeks ago!

    Send it to the Onion! Really …….

    Comment by Sabrina Ballerina | May 2, 2007 | Reply

  4. SB – thanks. I’ll definitely check out their submission policy this week.

    Comment by lucidculture | May 2, 2007 | Reply

  5. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry! It’s like when you get home from a really rough tour and try to watch Spinal Tap LOL. TOO real, too real….

    Comment by Devi | June 1, 2007 | Reply

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