Lucid Culture


Maybe It’s the Beef After All

Regular readers will recall that we’ve been following the baseball steriod scandal off and on, if only for some badly needed comic relief. When Congress creates such an entertaining distraction, one has to wonder what nefarious things the Bush regime is up to while the world holds its breath waiting for Special Agent Jeff Novitzky to lower the boom on Roger Clemens.

But people are getting bigger. Maybe Clemens, Jason Giambi, Gary Sheffield and the rest of the New York Yankees (and other teams’ players) implicated in the scandal really are telling the truth. Maybe it’s the hormones in the beef. A recent AP report examining municipal water supplies contaminated by prescription drugs cited one instance in Nebraska where fathead minnows downstream from a factory beef feedlot had noticeably lower testosterone levels and small heads. The cause? Trenbolone, the same anabolic steroid that the Yankees’ Jason Giambi used to bulk up so he could hit all those home runs. As it turns out, factory feedlot cattle – the source of most beef in the US – have implants in their ears which supply a steady stream of the steroid, making the cows bulk up in the same manner as the sixty-odd ballplayers named in the infamous Mitchell Report.

Have you lately been subject to fits of unexplained, uncontrolled rage? Get an overwhelming urge to drive three times the speed limit, even in a school zone? Has your hat size grown threefold in the past decade? Do people behind you at concerts always ask you to move because you’re so damn much taller than they are? Maybe it’s time you got your water tested.

And by the way, all that business about Clemens being at Jose Canseco’s barbecue? It’s true. See, we were there. At least that’s what Special Agent Jeff Novitzky said we have to say, or else we’re getting audited. All those free cds, free tickets, guest lists, wine, cheese and countless beers from everybody who wants to be reviewed here? That’s income. So unless you have a video of the entire Canseco picnic, don’t expect us to say we weren’t there listening raptly to Canseco’s and Clemens’ wives comparing the fine points of breast implants*.

*supposedly this actually happened

March 9, 2008 - Posted by | Conspiracy, Culture, Rant

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