Lucid Culture


Good Cop and Bad Cop Dust It Up

Good Cop: As you’ve probably figured out, we’ve been experiencing technical difficulties, sorry about that, we’ll make it up to you.

Bad Cop: You don’t have to make it up to anybody. This is the blogosphere, after all, there are no rules, no obligations.

Good Cop: But we promised these good people a new front page post every day, something that at the very least should be entertaining and possibly informative as well.

Bad Cop: Look, everybody has computer problems. That’s why they have IT departments, because computers are programmed to screw up, if they didn’t all the IT people would be out of a job. I don’t think anybody’s counting if we miss a few days between posts.

Good Cop: But we don’t want to give people the indication that we’ve lost interest and given up just like practically every other music blog out there.

Bad Cop: I don’t think anybody’s paying attention. You just want to be famous.

Good Cop: We will be famous! Why do you think I’m spending so much of my free time here?

Bad Cop: I dunno, because you’re a masochist.

Good Cop: We’re gonna be bigger than pitchfork!

Bad Cop: In your dreams. We were born too late. All the popular stuff now is trendoids and trust fund scum.

Good Cop: Not true! Look at Sharon Jones! The whole gypsy music thing, Gogol Bordello. There’s a huge audience for the kind of stuff we cover!

Bad Cop: I’d like to know where.

Good Cop: You’re just cynical. You’ve been spending too way much time in Williamsburg.

Bad Cop: Don’t I know it.

Good Cop: Can we have our editorial meeting now?

Bad Cop: Editorial meeting? This is the blogosphere, why should we?

Good Cop: Because we agreed when we started working on this thing, we should do stuff that’s interesting to people besides us, we planned the whole month in advance.

Bad Cop: Subject to change.

Good Cop: I know, subject to change, but so far this month doesn’t look anything like the way we planned it.

Bad Cop: The way you planned it.

Good Cop: Hey, you didn’t object when we agreed that this was what we were going to do.

Bad Cop: I have a role to play. I’m the wild card in the deck, remember?

Good Cop: Now you’re breaking the fourth wall. Stop it.

Bad Cop [reaches into his backpack. Pulls out a flask, unscrews the top and takes a long drink]: AAAAAAH [offers it to Good Cop]. Here. Good for what ails ya.

Good Cop: Put that away. You can’t drink when you’re on duty.

Bad Cop: You got me to stop smoking pot so I could remember what happens at all these shows, but there’s no way you’re going to get me to stop drinking [takes another slug].

Good Cop [cynically]: I guess that’s a start. Can we start with the meeting now? I think Bachata Roja Legends was a really good choice. And the Points West Festival thing was smart even though you intruded on my turf.

Bad Cop: Your turf? Excuse me?

Good Cop: I’m supposed to do the calendar and you’re supposed to go out to the shows, remember?

Bad Cop: So what. I did it. You didn’t. And if you did you probably would have recommended it.

Good Cop: No way! Tickets were $800 or something like that.

Bad Cop: That’s the VIP ticket, it gets you in to hang out with all the trash with the really big trust funds.

Good Cop: All right, just next time tell me you’re going to do something like that, ok?

Bad Cop: Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. That one got a lot of hits.

Good Cop: OK. But what happened to the Wu Man show, did you go?

Bad Cop: Bad sound. Can’t blame an artist for that. There were other problems but I don’t want to get into that.

Good Cop: How about El Ritmo Southside afterward?

Bad Cop: Bad experience. Doesn’t reflect on the band though. I revised your listing in the calendar.

Good Cop: OK. The Sloe Guns and Toneballs, ok, that’s done. And the Jenny Scheinman, that’s a good find. Just so you know, we’re running 60/40 male/female with the reviews so we need to beef up our coverage of women artists.

Bad Cop: So that means all sisters for the next year.

Good Cop: No, nothing so obvious, but you know what I mean. Now Elaine Juzwick, that was a good one, how did you discover that?

Bad Cop: On the way to the Brooklyn What show. I needed a drink and they had wine. The art just happened to be good.

Good Cop: What happened to the Brooklyn What?

Bad Cop: Running behind. Not the band’s fault. I had stuff to do, couldn’t stick around til after midnight in the middle of Brooklyn.

Good Cop: And you snuck another organ concert in there too I see.

Bad Cop: I thought you wanted women artists. This was a whole series of women performers, I think we covered three of them and I would have done a fourth if it hadn’t been so awful.

Good Cop: But can we please not make this organ music central? It’s a tiny, tiny subculture, I don’t want to get pigeonholed. Plus most people think it’s creepy.

Bad Cop: It is creepy! Plus it says this [raises middle finger] to anybody who’s too much of a wuss to handle it.

Good Cop: C’mon, let’s not alienate the whole world, huh? Can’t you get over this high school rebellion thing? You’re older than I am.

Bad Cop: Don’t I know it.

Good Cop: OK, I see the Sex Pistols thing bombed. I said this once before, I think we should stay out of the archive unless we have something that’s really going to generate traffic. And I think we shouldn’t go back more than 10 years, it dates us.

Bad Cop: But that’s where all the good stuff is.

Good Cop: Actually, I’ve looked through and there’s a lot of great stuff from 7, 8 years ago. That Sonic Youth show that you put up a couple of months ago, I was in second grade then. And it didn’t get us hits either.

Bad Cop: It’s more than just getting hits, remember, this whole thing becomes an archive after awhile.

Good Cop: Dude, this is the blogosphere, blogs come and go in a nanosecond, it’s all happening in real time. I say if it isn’t a big name we shouldn’t do it. The Village People thing stiffed too.

Bad Cop: But it’s funny.

Good Cop: It is funny. But nobody knows anything about the Village People. Growing up, I knew the songs, YMCA, Macho Man but I didn’t know anything more about them, the outfits, you know.

Bad Cop: Now you do.

Good Cop: That isn’t going to make us famous.

Bad Cop: You wanna be famous, shoot me.

Good Cop: That would be a role reversal.

Bad Cop: Look who’s breaking the fourth wall now.

Good Cop: Can we get back to the blog? How about the Daniel Bernstein show?

Bad Cop: I had a family obligation.

Good Cop: You don’t have a family.

Bad Cop: OK, a social obligation.

Good Cop: Drinking, I suppose.

Bad Cop: Traveling. Obligations, like I said.

Good Cop: You can’t keep blowing off assignments or deadlines like that, it throws everything off and you end up having to work twice as hard. Or I have to bail you out and that’s not really my problem.

Bad Cop: Not to worry. Somehow I get it done.

Good Cop: Sort of.

Bad Cop: Hey, shit comes up and we have to deal with it. Thank you Isaac Hayes for expiring.

Good Cop: Ewww, that was tasteless. I hope you’re joking.

Bad Cop: Hey, it’s what they pay me the big bucks for. Start paying me the big bucks and I might clean up my act.

Good Cop: That’s down the road. Right now we have to suck it up. I see you finally got to write up 9th Wave, you’ve wanted to do that for awhile. And Eli Paperboy Reed, that was a great choice. [pause] And I see you’ve got Edward Rogers and System Noise done, that’s important, good work.

Bad Cop: See, I’m not so bad. What have you done lately, big boss?

Good Cop: I did the live music calendar and the Custard Wally review.

Bad Cop: Whoooeee, two posts in a month.

Good Cop: Actually three if you count the first calendar. That takes twice as much work as what you do anyway.

Bad Cop: It wouldn’t if you could figure out how to get the site and the computer to talk to each other, that’s what you yunguns are for, isn’t it?

Good Cop: Actually you’ll be proud to know I have and I can show you.

Bad Cop: I’m all ears.

Good Cop: OK, later. What concerns me now is that we have a big stretch coming up and not much planned, if the second half of this month is anything like the first, we’re going to have to scramble for posts to get us hits.

Bad Cop: Relax. It’ll all work out [drains his flask]

Good Cop: And I think we should lay off the jazz.

Bad Cop [mystified]: Huh?

Good Cop: They have their own world. It’s vastly different from ours. Different language, too: ostinatos and obbligatos, what it all means I have no idea.

Bad Cop: Which is why we need to bring jazz back to the people! In the 1930s the top 40 was all jazz, people forget that. It’s dance music. Jazz got its start in whorehouses which is all right with me!

Good Cop: Unless you speak the lingo you’ll come across as an amateur.

Bad Cop [gets up and walks to the door] I’d rather be an inspired amateur than a pretentious professional.

Good Cop: Hey, we’re not finished yet! Where you going?

Bad Cop [holds up the empty flask, upside down] Three guesses. [On his cellphone] Hello, Discount Liquors? How late are you open? 

August 18, 2008 - Posted by | Live Events, Music, New York City, Uncategorized

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