Lucid Culture


How the Other Half Lives, Pt. 5

[Editor’s note – this is an occasional feature, a sounding of sorts, a test to see how polluted the waters are, to suss out what’s popular and see how many bad bands there are by comparison to the good ones we feature here. Last time we did this we surveyed the entire month of June at Bowery Ballroom. This time around we went through the whole month of December at a popular LES venue. Batting average-wise, the club only scored 18 good acts out of the 92 they booked for the month which translates to a sub-Mendoza line performance…but eighteen good shows in thirty days? That’s more than one every other day, even better when you consider that the whole Xmas week is a wash. Good work, Arlene Grocery. The individual acts are listed on our NYC live music calendar. For anyone interested in seeing the whole list of who’s playing there this month, notes are below – I didn’t edit them because I think they’re way funnier just the way they were when I got the email…]

Arlenes’ December calendar:

NATE VAILL acoustic band from ohio – no website

QUINN MARSTON AND THE SEDUCTION KIT pop – they have a residency is it a guy or girl, hard to tell REALLY AWFUL ,

BELLEVUE’S FINEST electronic disco – they complain about trendoids but that’s what they are

RACHEL ZAM not her real name – Snorah Jones wannabe – not bad but not great either

JUANO LIPPI BAND generic folkie wimp

Last Charge of the Light Horse – tuneless pretentious Replacements wannabes

VOX POP horrid corporate crap

AFICIONADO 10-pc Kansas wannabes from upstate – they have a song called Deaf Ears which is obviously autobiographical

NICK TATE – British folkie – good chops, awful songs

SPUTEN DUYVIL lame white funk/metal

THE NEVERBEENS – female-fronted band w/some potential – some country, jazzy pop

THE NEW COLLISIONS powerpop – add this to calendar, sounds like a good live band

12/4 YARN. FREE SHOW DOORS AT 8PM add this – they’re good

PHOEBE HENRY corporate lite fm pop. she doesn’t like cats, what a bitch

GIA MARX corporate lite fm pop dunno if she likes cats or not but she still sucks

12/5 9 PM IMPOSTOR SYNDROME female-fronted riff-rock with some potential, some bite, a little PJ Harvey but less raw, their record label is called Spinach Pie Records 🙂

V try finding this on myspace – there’s a Philly grunge/pop band called V who really suck…

I LOVE MONSTERS trendoid band fronted by a Celine Dion wannabe

BANANAMANANIMAL tuneless mathrock meets tuneless white funk

THE ELECTRIC MOJO MACHINE they have a jazz drummer but no website

12/6 7 PM KIRA SKOV – add her to calendar what a trip – voted best female vocalist in Denmark sounds like the Shocking Blue – big bluesy voice, excellent garage/psych band

12/6 8 PM NEW MADRID altcountry from oklahoma – add them

THE PUBLIC SECRET mopey downtempo stuff from Germany

STILL DIVISION – Pearl Jam wannabes – can’t believe anybody thinks crap like this could ever be popular again

THE FRESHMEN hip-hop from Florida? “R&B” from Milwaukee – can’t find them – stupid band name anyway

CHERRY S/T – campy computerized disco

HIGH TOLERANCE 80s hair metal from Long Island – figures

SUGAR MAMA from Boston – guitarist has serious Hendrix fixation. they like ska, lots of good things going on now if they could only find a singer

BB GUN trendoids from Brooklyn messing badly with cliched Black Oak Arkansas redneck rock – is this the band you saw outside McCarren Pool on Make Music NY day?

VILLACOMA ponderous, boring Death Cab wannabes – they rehearse at Ultrasound which is expensive, right?

A ROOSTER FOR THE MASSES really annoying, strident Gang of Four-ish white funk – bands like this make me want to vote Republican

DAY OF FIRE – awful corporate metal band from Nashville

12/9, 8 PM ALEC BERLIN pro musician – seems like a nice guy, stuff is derivative (Beatles, Radiohead, Elliott Smith), not bad – let’s list him

12/9, 9 PM KRIS KELLY – lots of strings on his myspace songs – very Radiohead – not bad – list him too ok?

JIMMY REEVES Texas bluesman like Jimmie Vaughan – good stuff – woops thats Jimmy Lee Reeves – this Jimmy Reeves is a saccharine James Blunt wannabe – barf

12/9, 11 PM SETTLY – Marcellus Hall’s bassist – good player, kinda funny – add him too – can’t believe it, 3 more or less good bands on a Fri night here

Billy Walton Band fonkeh fonkeh wotbos

Austin Stitch – looks like club got the band name wrong – nothing online except a knitting group in texas

BRANDON CLARK corporate grunge prettyboy from Atlanta

KELLY WATERS no relation to Muddy – corporate “R&B” ho from the UK who does a song called Up Inside Me

MISS VINTAGE – Coldplay wannabes from Philly

12/14 10 PM AMERICAN AQUARIUM from Raleigh – good band – like the Bottle Rockets – add them. Also at Hank’s 12/15 9:30ish

12/16 7 PM LANA MIR – funny she does a song called I Wanna Be Adored but sounds nothing like Randi Russo – Ukrainian expat – not bad – bossa nova pop = add her

12/16 8 PM HOLDING BACK ENTIRELY can’t figure out whether they’re retro 80s, 90s or what – some potential , some decent tunes – give them a chance

BROOKVILLE wimpy downtempo/triphop

12/16 10 PM THE GREY RACE 90s Brit style pop band – good songs! add them

LUCKY GHOST a more camp Decembrists – some potential but they need a singer

Northern Public – death metal from Michigan

the Philtons – myspace isn’t working – but they have good top friends (Your New Best Friend, Satanicide)

Water for Ivan – acoustic guitar/cello, nice sonics but a work in progress

Measure – keys/vox – triphop/downtempo – kinda pretty, dreamy – add them

the Standard Model middle period REM wannabes, not a good era to imitate

the Red Directors club prob got bandname wrong, nothing online

RADIO DRAMA loud fast pop from Long Island w/Radio Disney vox

AGENTS OF KARMA funky stoner metal

MERCURY MORNING corporate band from NJ – Interpol/u2 infls

12/13 9M THE AYE AYES barband rock/pop w/funny lyrics give em a chance

CARLON goofy stoner stuff – they have a residency in Jan?!?

LEFT ME BASHFUL acoustic wuss

WINDSOR PARK WALKERS big 90s Spiritualized sound – not bad nothing special either

MOSHIACH OI – Orthodox Jewish hardcore – one of their songs is called I Wanna Learn Torah, no joke

12/18 7 PM SIX CHASING SEVEN funk/reggae from Lynchburg VA w/horn section – good stuff!

THE TELEPHONES “blues/metal duo” – myspace not working

STOLEY PT corporate emo

12/18 10 PM THE VOXYS lo fi Dublin garage riff rock – not bad, could be good live

ACEY SLADE campy disco metal

iris PILL they play various awful corporate styles

Jared Campbell wretched corporate lite FM singer-songwriter

Justin Trawick fonkeh fonkeh wotbo from the VA suburbs

Derek James fonkeh fonkeh wotbo who admits to being ” a finalist in the Williamsburg Singer/Songwriter Competition,” woohoo!

IPPAZZI Dave Matthews wannabes – better than but not by much

13TH FLOOR obviously not Roky Erickson fans – metal – good for a laugh

SANITARIUS thrash metal

BROTHERS MOVING Danish acoustic Americana band – not awful, nothing special

THE GAIT LINE WORKERS club got the name wrong

12/21 9 PM SPECIAL PATROL GROUP not the cover band from the UK – their Pretty Vacant is pretty good

this is a NYC band, 90s style powerpop, guy/girl vox, lyrically driven, intriguing but let the girl sing, keep the guy away from the mic

VICTORY BY REVENGE fallout boy wannabes from Maryland – godawful

PATRICK PORTER dorky folkie who usually plays the Sidewalk

NICK KRATZ electric blues – exc. chops, good solos but material’s not that strong -he’d be a great lead guitarist in somebody else’s band

RISE PHOENIX RISE Good Charlotte wannabes from PA

RADIO FIX from Connecticut – lame tuneless boring indie stuff

SLEEP WELL somewhat frantic Death Cab wannabes

FIRST IN SPACE poppy Youngstown OH jangle band – they can write a decent tune but the vox are lame

THE WIND-UP wimpy Brooklyn indie pop

WINDSOR CIRCLE myspace not working but they like Weezer which basically means they suck

4NORMANDY corporate garbage from Jersey

HIGHWAY GIMps pretty good garage band

TOM HOOD AND THE TRAILMEN – country rock from Long Island – older band – cdbaby page not working

12/28 8 EMMA TRINGALI AND THE WALK INS – singer/songwriter – distinctive voice, decent tunes, not a wimp – like Linda Draper w/o the Ph. D.,

9 LULLA – not the really good bossa nova chanteuse from Italy but a really good pianist/chanteuse singing Japanese classical ballads

ANIMAL BONES awful Fallout Boy wannabes with girl singer – how come I’ve never heard of any of the bands they like, oh yeah that’s because they SUCK

JAY WILEY BAND Ryan Adams wannabe

ANGRY DRAGON death metal

MORGAN AVENUE – female fronted loud poppy band not awful – only one of their myspace tracks is working

SCARLET FADE the Xian Partridge Family – no joke – they must have a stage mom & a megachurch where they can play – why here? – or did they rent out the club?

Hyacinth House – love that band name – good acoustic Swedish Americana goth band

December 1, 2008 - Posted by | Live Events, Music, New York City, snark | , , , ,


  1. OMG I love Victory BY REVENGE

    and fall out BOY so wahtevaaaa

    Comment by Eric heidhausen | December 2, 2008 | Reply

  2. “LUCKY GHOST a more camp Decembrists – some potential but they need a singer”

    Wait, but I AM the singer!


    Comment by Seth Berkowitz | December 2, 2008 | Reply

  3. Whoever writes this stuff complains about trendoids but that’s what he is.

    It must suck to only be able to write about music and not play it. I bet you sit down to p too.

    Comment by Simon C | December 3, 2008 | Reply

  4. which of the above sucky bands are you in?
    why are you assuming that it was a guy who dissed you? surely you’re used to being ridiculed by women…

    Comment by lc | December 3, 2008 | Reply

  5. Victory by Revenge ROCKS ! Keep your stupid opinions to yourself … LOSER !

    Comment by Bob Rossomondo | December 3, 2008 | Reply

  6. Juano Lippi Band was not “generic folky wimp” I was there and it rocked. The music is deep and eclectic without being a jamband. Get you story straight dude. See…

    Comment by Amy | December 3, 2008 | Reply

  7. I know who writes this shit!

    Comment by Simon C | December 4, 2008 | Reply

  8. funny, i don’t see any trendy bands here, any trendy anything…

    Comment by lc | December 4, 2008 | Reply

  9. re: guano lippi, amy, if that’s deep, you’d drown in an inch of water. go to limewire and download some hendrix, that’s the real stuff, not this fake-ass whiny crap

    Comment by lc | December 4, 2008 | Reply

  10. and you play……….? your dick? that’s about it, right? Do you like ANY music or just your moms?

    Comment by Your Mom | December 4, 2008 | Reply

  11. check the live calendar , dipshit. just because you suck doesn’t mean everybody else does.
    PS I play a few instruments, you might see me around if you lived here which you obviously don’t…stay in NJ, where you belong, die from the drinking water…

    Comment by lc | December 5, 2008 | Reply

  12. we played with American Aquarium, they’re pretty excellent Wilco-influenced band and nice guys too. Definetly worth a shot.

    Comment by JF | December 6, 2008 | Reply

  13. hey, some toilet walls ARE really entertaining. guess you never made it to CBs when it was open…thanks for the compliment!

    Comment by lc | December 8, 2008 | Reply

  14. Highway Gimps totally burrn ball sacks. I’m awfully in love with them. Arelenes Grocery is a corporate piece of man shit, designed to exploit unsigned bands. Don’t play/go there!

    Comment by David Weinstein | August 9, 2009 | Reply

  15. thanks for the heads-up, I like the Hwy Gimps, good energy. Arlenes has potential to be a great place but isn’t and that’s a shame.

    Comment by lc | August 10, 2009 | Reply

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