Lucid Culture


If You See Something, Use Your Brain Before You Say Something

They’re all over the subway: those annoying posters from the MTA, encouraging citizens to get in the frame of mind to spy on each other and take us deeper into the Orwellian nightmare. “If you see something, say something…last year, 3456 people saw something and said something,” it taunts, as if we should all be narcing on our fellow passengers. But now that Bush is out of office, isn’t it about time we turned the page?

Case in point: rush hour, uptown train at Chambers Street, downtown.  A bunch of people get off, I get a seat. A couple of middleschool kids – brothers, from the looks of them – board the train behind me. One sits down across from me, the other stands since there’s what looks like an empty shoebox in a blue plastic bag on the seat next to his brother. Maybe he just doesn’t want to sit – he looks restless, like he’s been cooped up in school all day. I look up at the digital screen in the middle of the ceiling of the car to see what time it is. But the time doesn’t come up. And the train doesn’t move. It just sits in the station.

Waiting on the platform, I’d reflexively looked down the tracks to see if the signal was green, an indication that there hadn’t been a train in awhile. The size of the crowd on the platform had reconfirmed that. And the conductor wasn’t imploring or hollering over the PA to get whoever was holding up the train to get the hell out of the doorway. 

I looked around in frustration. There was an older woman to my right, past the doors. She pointed to the box in the bag. “That’s a suspicious package. Somebody called the conductor, he’s gonna come check it out.”

Calling in a bomb threat used to be against the law, but since the early days of the Bush regime it became mandatory behavior. Still, I’d never seen anyone actually be so stupid as to actually do it. I stood up, reached over and gingerly picked up the bag (you never know what kind of disgusting things people will leave behind in a box). It felt light. Obviously the box, one of the kind that has folding flaps to close it, didn’t have anything in it. I pried it open. Nothing.

I put it back on the seat.  The kid sitting there pushed it off and kicked it underneath so his brother could sit down. Then the conductor showed up, bemused expression on his face. Something told me he found this as absurd as I did. He looked around, puzzled. “It’s empty,” I said.

“Well,” he said noncomittally, “You gotta check these things out, I guess, a passenger called it in.”

“Who? What passenger?” I demanded. I knew it was the old lady.

“It was me,” she announced. Proudly.

I felt around for the right words. Obviously, I wasn’t dealing with the sharpest tool in the shed. How could I make my point in a way that would resonate so she wouldn’t do it again? An exercise in futility, I reckoned. Anger got the better of me. “You know, that was really stupid. All these hundreds of people on the train, they want to get home, they have places they have to be and so do I and you just held up the train because of an empty box!”

She muttered something about patience.

I’d been right: there was no use in talking to her. But now I had an audience. I had to redeem myself. “That’s George Bush thinking,” I said. “He wanted to make everybody so afraid of terrorists on the subway so he could fight his stupid war. There are no terrorists on the subway. Now that Barack Obama is President, do you hear anything about terrorists on the subway? No. That’s because he’s smart. You can’t let George Bush ideas make you afraid of everything.” 

It was all I could do to resist the urge to point out that if she’d really been afraid that the empty box had been a bomb, why hadn’t she left her seat, even left the station? Then it hit me a couple of stops later.

Maybe the box was hers.

Some people will do anything for attention.

February 13, 2009 Posted by | Culture, New York City, Rant | , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Dirty Bomb Hysteria 8/11/07

Relax. There aren’t going to be any dirty bombs going off. It’s all a conspiracy theory.

In order to build a bomb with sufficient nuclear material to do real harm, you need to get your hands on the stuff. Sure, there’s plenty of it around, particularly in the former Soviet Union. There’s just one complication: it’s radioactive. Nuclear waste any more potent than, say, what the dentist gets rid of from his or her x-ray machine, is so lethal that unprotected exposure will kill you in a matter of hours. So if you’re planning on becoming the nuclear Osama Bin Laden, you better come equipped, with garments and gear and a high-tech facility that will cost you millions if not billions. Where you’re going to get all that stuff without tipping off the authorities is a mystery you’ll have to solve first.

Or, let’s say you’re in a hurry to get your 72 virgins and you can’t wait for the protective gear to come through. In that case, you’re going to need a new fanatic for every four hours that the stuff is in your hands. And unless you’re getting your hands on a domestic supply – fat chance of that, unless you’re buying from the same people who brought us 9/11 – you’ll have to come up with a team of suicide drivers, suicide pilots, a fleet of trucks and at least a couple of planes to get you across whatever ocean is in your way since everybody on the first plane is going to be dead about, say, halfway across the Atlantic.

The likelihood of any organization, even the CIA or Halliburton being able to pull this off? Figure it out. To say that the odds are against it is the understatement of the year.

And even if somebody decided to steal your neighborhood dentist’s x-ray waste box and blow it up somewhere, that stuff is so low-level that even if you were downwind of the bomb, you wouldn’t be in any more danger than you would be from drinking New Jersey water. The dirty bomb is a hoax, an urban myth, a conspiracy theory. It’s just another Bush regime fearmongering tactic designed to encourage you to give your Constitutional rights away in the name of security and bring us one step closer to a 1984-style police state. Don’t buy it.

August 11, 2007 Posted by | Conspiracy, Politics, Rant | , , , , , , , | 1 Comment